WEEK THIRTEEN POWER RANKINGS

One more week of the regular season remains... and, as usual, the middle 6 teams are in a jumbled mess of a dogfight. Although this time, the stakes are higher, everybody is on a quest to secure a decent playoff seeding (read: avoid getting the 7 and 8 spots and having to face Single Erik or the Joeggernaut). To make things more intense, the four teams currently populating the bottom 4 seeds all play each other to close out their season. These will be the last power rankings before moving on to the playoff edition, so there will also be a segment dedicated to the fallen. Good luck to all those that have something to play for.

Tier 1: Locked Up

1. Joe (11-1)

Joe has another meaningless matchup vs Weege after trouncing Roberto and going back to his normal scoring ways after a couple of down weeks. All he's doing now is waiting for his first victim to claim the 8 seed. Nothing to report here.

2. Erik (8-4)

Erik is also stuck in the 2 seed no matter what happens and is awaiting the outcome of week 13. He has enjoyed a ridiculously easy end of season schedule and looks to continue to aid in Nauch's collapse down the stretch as he continues to score on and off the field. His matchup this week does have playoff implications for the rest of the league, but he has no control over who ends up in the 7 seed anyways, so this game is essentially meaningless for Erik in the short term. In dynasty, our boy plays for the division title this week and has a good chance at getting a bye. This man eats.

Tier 2: Safe Seeders

3. Chuck (7-5)

Chuck and his luck continue to fuck us up. A decisive win over Nauch to even him up in the fight for the 3 seed is followed up with a final matchup vs Roberto and is in complete control of his destiny going into the final week. A win and he locks up the 3 seed, but with an unlikely loss he could end up in trouble with an inferior PF and tumble depending on who ties with him. Regardless, Chuck's convinced he has the greatest playoff matchups ever and that he will easily clinch a threepeat.

4. Nauch (7-5)

Nauch, despite having a rough few weeks with his fantasy team, isn't in a terrible position to start playoffs. The worst he can go with what I presume will be a loss to Erik is the 6 seed thanks to the insurance his record provides against his terrible PF (which is literally the exact same as his PA, literally). That being said, Nauch buys himself some time to figure out how to retool his team before the matchups start to get tougher.

Tier 3: God Help Us All

5. Ant (6-6)

Ant is in the best situation of the four of us in this tier in terms of both Record and PF, a win guarantees him at least a 5 seed and a loss throws him into a messy tie situation. The winner of this matchup vs me will be vital for not only playoff seedings, but for settling the Bakers vs In N Out Argument (until we meet again.)

6. Hurtado (6-6)

All Hurtado needs is a win to have a 6 seed or better locked up. He is close in PF to Ant and has an advantage over the rest of the 7-and-6-win teams, so he can assuredly climb high. However, a loss guarantees him at best a 7 seed. This matchup is going to have more submissions than the average day at the office for a Dominatrix, more concessions than what Chuck buys when he goes to sporting events. These lads are going to be annoying losers in a couple hours.

7. Wings (6-6)

It's amazing what a difference one game can make. If Nauch doesn't beat me in week 5, him and I are switched on these power rankings. Alas, I am grateful to even be here, as my playoff hopes are over in my other 2 leagues. Out of my options, I would be very content with playing Chuckles round one versus anyone else.

8. Gio (5-7)

Gio's got a PF insurance helping him out this final week. Even at 6-7, he avoids the 8 seed with a win and can get up to a 6 seed if the matchups go well. If not, it looks like his destiny is to face Joe and knock him out round 1.

Tier 4: Y'all Hear Sumn?

9. Weege (2-10)

A moment of silence for our favorite deliverer of savage one-liners.

10. Bert (2-10)

With Roberto's elimination, we excitedly await him clinching the #1 draft pick for next year for him to once again autodraft Aaron Rodgers. Amen.

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