POWER RANKING TUESDAYS EPISODE 1- POSTDRAFT/PRESEASON

Booooooyyyyyyyzzzzzz it's power ranking season

I apologize extremely for your favorite fantasy sports blogger's absence from the interwebs but unfortunately this hobby doesnt pay the bills for me. These power rankings will take into account all trades/transactions up to when I'm writing this (same day as release ayyyyy lmao)

Tier 1: Surefire Contenders

1. Chuck Loves Dick

Hurtado usually builds his playoff team on the wire.. so having a championship-caliber team at the draft is a very scary thought for the league. He took the second pick of the draft and did great things with it, focusing on picking up players who will be getting guaranteed volume as the workhorse of their teams. I will say though, these same picks may also be double-edged swords. If Hurtado is to dominate the league in the postseason, when it matters and where he always fails, Hurtado needs the following to happen:
DeShaun repeats his stellar start to his career in the NFL before the ACL gods took him so DeAndre can eat.
Bell decides to play a snap of football (not even Mike Tomlin knows when the fuck he's showing up)
Shady McCoy avoids the banhammer long enough for Mark Ingram to return from his own suspension. 

2. Smoke Screen

Y'all do not learn.. y'all do not fucking learn do you. This man had a very very shook draft for the first time I can remember, but in the time span between draft day and today, Chuck has made some key moves and, as usual, lucks the fuck out with things. We did everything to stop Chuck from getting Bell, turns out he was playing 8-D underwater backgammon with us the whole time, cause at least we know Saquad will be playing week 1.
Not to mention the trade that this guy finessed out of Nauch. Chuck has enough pass catching talent in Gronk, Edelman (post suspension) and Larry Fitz to sacrifice Juju. He also, unlike me, has confidence that Andrew Luck will return to form despite having played no football since 2016 with a nagging injury, so shipping off Jimmy G was a no-brainer. He also lucked out with trading for Devonta Freeman before his RB2 in Jerick McKinnon went down for the season (RIP Sweet Prince) and has a wild card in Devontae Booker in a rather complicated Denver Backfield.
Please for the love of the fantasy gods, think before you trade.

3. Allen, Allen, Allen and Adams (4A)

I really liked my draft for once [that never fucking happens], pick 4 is lit. (Keenan) Allen, Allen (Robinson) and (Davante) Adams are one of the best WR cores in the league and Zeke will be the only thing worth a damn on the Cowboys offense unless Dak can get his shit together. With Jon Gruden slowly destroying the Raiders, Beastmode will soon be the only real weapon on that team as well. My X-factor this season will be my all-sleeper bench. I fully expect my bench to get off to a slow start to the season, but I'm trust that at least a coupe of these guys to break out during the stretch when it matters.

4. Toe Goblin

We never got to truly see what Anthony was able to accomplish last season because unfortunately all his players died like it was a plane full of Brazillian soccer stars (it's been 2 years). So it makes perfect sense that his first pick was fresh-off-the-ACL David Johnson.
In all seriousness, Anthony has one of the better-balanced rosters with a high floor and even higher ceiling, especially if DJ returns to business-as-usual and the Landry/Doyle/Sanders trio have a capable QB throwing to them. Barring another catastrophic season, Anthony has played this draft safe enough that we should avoid being a back2back sacko, but also took the necessary risks to make a run for the ship. Good luck.

Tier 2: Upside Galore 

5. Team Slap Ass

That 11th pick did Gio well. Gordon, Fournette and Drake are one of the best RB cores in this league on paper, but they all did have week-to-week consistency issues. If these guys can shake off that rust, Gio easily moves up into tier 1. Other than that, some other concerns on your team are similar to Anthony above you- you got a Colts and Broncos pass catcher who need to hope a trash can isn't slinging the ball. I also question why the fuck he's rostering 2 IDPs when one of them is JJ Watt? CMON MAN. 

6. SikDik 69ers

I'm pretty convinced Roberto doesn't actually exist and is a burner account for Erik. 2 autodrafts in a row? In this economy? But it also pains me to say Beto's roster looks really nice for being an autodraft, you even burned your first round pick on Aaron Rodgers and you still ended up with some quality picks. Dalvin Cook and Alex Collins, even with microscopic sample sizes, showed flashes of top-20 potential last season. AJ Green and Mike Evans were both slept on wideouts this offseason as well and would be a top WR core 2 years ago. Your starting team has a great floor and an astronomical ceiling, but the bench is lacking in pizzaz- especially with Cam Newton taking one of those spots- we're not a 2QB league trade that guy so you don't have to start Isaiah fucking Crowell at some point this season.

7. Single Erik

*begin inside joke* I'll be slightly nicer to you in these rankings than Salas was cause you're actually active in this league lmao *end inside joke*
To further feed into this "Roberto doesn't exist" conspiracy let me outline some similarities to their drafts:
Running Backs who showed massive potential for only a portion of last season due do injury or inconsistent performance, but still need to prove it wasnt a fluke
Established Franchise QBs and TEs who are starting to age
Non-hype starting wideouts due to a new QB situation or poor performance last season despite great performances in past seasons.
That being said.. still gotta give your burner account the better team, just know any trades you make with Roberto are now considered suspect.

Tier 3: Fixer-Uppers

8. Long Dick Style

Man, I really liked Nauch's draft, especially with the long waits the number one pick brings. But that trade with Chuck:

Running Backs are THE most valuable asset in Fantasy Football. And you currently have TWO on your roster, TWO. Yeah Todd Gurley is one of them, but your lack of depth and your dependence on a Rookie RB in Royce Freeman (not to mention you traded his Handcuff away) to perform puts you in a real bad situation if you cant trade for or get a waiver RB that is even close to replacement-level. Your power ranking definitely took a massive hit for this. But you are still the cream of the shit crop.

9. Hard Nipples

Weege, I'm sorry for taking Zeke from you, but you didn't have to jew me out of Carson as revenge.. that pick was a reach. Speaking of reaches, you also currently have 2 former cowboys on your roster that are, with 3 days left in the offseason, Free Agents... AB is by far the highlight of your team , and while you got a decent supporting cast surrounding them, I really fear for you if any of your starters go down. Heck, even with this starting lineup, I pray for your soul.

10. 69!!!

Having the 10th pick is almost as shitty as having the first pick, but damn your team is bad. Your biggest mistake that will haunt you for this season is not taking at least one RB at pick 10 or 11, OBJ and Adam Thielen are great wideouts, but both now have the potential for lingering injuries to hobble their performance. You have a fitting name for your team, cause I wouldn't let small children near either Tekashi or you with that mustache you got going.